There and back again...

Wow 2 years and life has changed. It is whole new me. Working for one of the best company - Amazon.com life is happening. I am taking on too many things at the same time so now time to gather my thoughts and start putting life in order. To put life in order you need to put your thoughts in order and so here I am.

I will catch up on my last 2 years. Some emotions and some thoughts will definitely be lost but hey those that stayed has defined me so why not forget the forgotten and cherish what I remember.

Life has been beautiful.

Commitment problem

Today I learnt something new about myself: I take my commitment too seriously. I wanted to drop my Presentation course but I stayed with my team till 8 to give them key practice. I had 3 other friends waiting for dinner. I could have excused myself at 6.30 and finished a pending report, enjoyed an early dinner and also have good night's sleep. BUT I had to stay to help them. That was not enough, I walked 1.5miles in cold within 30 minutes to reach dinner place by 8.30 because I had promised that.

I felt guilty on both the occasion. Reason: I had promised. I realized that things have to change drastically for me to not keep my commitment. I think it is difficult if I over-commit but I have to let go when it is stretching me thin. I need to learn that.

However, the realization made me very upset because it was opposite to what I was told i.e. I am not wholly committed and I might not stand-by in time of need. Yes, I am highly critical of people near me because what they do affect me and I can help them to be better. But I am with them whenever they need me.

Misunderstood is common to me by now. I am not much bothered about it now. I know I am nice to people, I care for everyone- selflessly and for people near to me I am ready to sacrifice myself. It does not hurt when the sacrifice is not realized but when they are not even considered.

What do I do? Do not commit to0 much in work or in relationship - not at the cost of yourself because all I have in the end is myself. I am glad to learn that I am staunchly loyal to people, I am their biggest supporter and their biggest critic.

Discovery

Today I was surprise to discover the tenacity I have. The strength to hear no and yet pursue to the end to get the desired result. I know, luck has favored me but I have never given up because I am not the right fit.

I was told that it is not easy for an immigrant non-scholar student to get into good public school and score straight As - I did it and walked up the stage to receive my graduation scroll.

Barclays sales assistant - no experience - no way. Not only did I score well in the interview, I excelled at my job. I know I did because my team still thinks of me. I earned the biggest credit, support of the people around me.

Tepper school of business - limited 2 yrs of experience - no way. I made it to one the worlds top MBA school. I know student at Tepper does not appreciate it but it is still the best place. I am glad I made it.

Next, my dream company Bain. I didn't know what Bain was till I met Mr. H. His passion for the job and his openness endeared me to this firm and I had decided that I will work for this firm. Then I discovered it is world's best consulting firm and also one of the most choosy. I might not be the right demographic for them but I am not giving up till I hear a no from them. If they would hire 1, I should be the one. I am going to test my luck to max.

All I know is that I have managed to come so far and I am not giving up. At age of 15 I had not dreamed that I would come so far yet I always wanted to give meaning to my life. As I discover my passion I want to keep going - as far as my dreams will take me. I am not taking no for an answer.

Dil is mad

Aaj I heard about one of my friend's fight with her bf. I kinda felt sad for her and thought to myself "well one good thing about being single.. you don't get into fight". But whenever I see her happily chatting with her BF, I kinda find myself lonely.

Dil is mad I realize. You only want the best and not get hurt. Especially I think I am becoming overly sensitive to issue with relationship. My friend agrees. Well, the situation reminds me of movie Dil Kabaddi - not the story because that was crap but the title and a song by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan - "Zindagi ke safar mein, raaste hai judaa judaa; Humsafar hai to manzilien judaa judaa... "

Kher, Dil is mad. So I conclude let it move around like crazy :)

I was about to go to sleep when I was listening to another song by RFAK: Teri Yaad... which is so true to heart - kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai par chupke is dil mein tanhaai palti hai.. bas yaad saath hai.

I fell in love with this song first time I heard it but today it feels true - 100% truth in above statement.

My friend gave me a nice suggestion to have hot chocolate, blanket and a cuddle from friend. I told him I am not in mood of hot chocolate but truth is I don't have anyone of give me jadu ki jhappi. Kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai... par chupke is dil mein tanhai palti hai... sadly koi yaad bhi nahi....

I am not depressed or sad or anything for that matter just realizing the what it feels to be on a raft in an ocean - without compass, without partner...

A dream moment...

This is from movie Wake Up Sid and one of my favorite scene.

Gunja sa hai koi Iktara....

"Ek ehsaas jo rooh ko choole, ek pal jo bahon mein sametle, ek mohabbat jo zindagi savarle"

So what do I really love?

I was thinking of word love... and wondering how would I loved something? Why this silly question? Because lately I realized that I don't know what I really love doing. Am I doing just because I am supposed to or because I love to. One question leading to another - typical mindmapping. The answers didn't come easily but then nowadays I don't move on with questions fast. I think of them all the while. Hence, I have formed a hypothesis and just writing some thoughts here.

Things that bring smile to face and I can indulge in them anytime is things I like. Love is those that has power to move me and change my mood. No matter where I am, how I am when I indulge in things that I love, I am alive. So what are the things I love:

I love Hindi music! I know angrezi gaane are awesome. They have awesome music and lyrics. In fact, some of my favorite songs are actually chori from angrezi but they sound better in Hindi to me... Because when angrezi gaane are on, I have to focus on lyrics and then only enjoy them. Maybe my English is weak for music but to me songs are supposed to be for enjoyment and should be effortless. Music to me is not simply instruments but lyrics that touches your heart and moves me. It is my mother tongue - that I don't even pay attention to but I can still understand.

I love movies. The stories, the visuals the movements - I get so involved in them. When I was a kid, I remember I didn't know those were actors on screen. A particular instance I remember movie Phool Aur Kaante when I was telling that to my friends I said, "the heroine was 'Pooja'.... " So yes I love movies of all type except horror movies which are gory. They are just unimaginative.

I love words. I know thats crazy statement but I love to read and write. I read randomly and write randomly. But I love it. I read labels, signboards, street signs, instruction paper...anything with words. I always wondered why people write. Answer seems simple - to communicate. To whom? To themselves I think. Do people seek to be understood? That is another thought that I don't want to get on. But I write for myself. To preserve my memory to see how far I have come. I know things will change but its good to see which way things have changed.

I love photographs... not typical people but artistic photographs. One of my favorite site is Deviantart.

I realize that I love people watching. Sitting in an open cafe and watching people passing by feels great.

I love lot of things... but these are things that cheers me up instantly... even thinking about it. As 2010 begins, I am not taking any resolution but I have decided to be better each day. how? By indulging in things that I truly love. After all the goal for life is to be happy.

Remembering 2009

Today's date is special Year ago I was in Vapi. And what a year it has been since then. Year of my biggest achievement and my biggest failure. Am I proud of it or am I ashamed of it? I am not too sure.

Of my 100 years of life (yes, I am an optimist) it will be one of the memorable year. I turned 25 this year, a quarter of life. As much as girls crib about being half-way to 50, I am excited to be 25 because I know my life at 50 will be an achievement I am looking forward to. So only half-way there. It was very special to celebrate it with Reena, Shivani, Nishit and Sulabh. Within 6 months I made so good friends that I discovered what I love most; people around me. My friends have really special way of making me feel special.

2009 a year of celebrations: I was admitted to one of my dream school for MBA - Carnegie Mellon University, moved to USA to live my dream independent life and starting on my journey to discover myself. My biggest achievement turned failure, my engagement to Nisarg. Many questions were raised but I am sure the answers lies in future.

What more lies in future is yet to be discovered but I believe 2010 will be another exciting year when I will find an internship and start on my career. I really wish I could fast forward this segment and watch what I am doing next year at this time.

Let the new spin begin..