Commitment problem

Today I learnt something new about myself: I take my commitment too seriously. I wanted to drop my Presentation course but I stayed with my team till 8 to give them key practice. I had 3 other friends waiting for dinner. I could have excused myself at 6.30 and finished a pending report, enjoyed an early dinner and also have good night's sleep. BUT I had to stay to help them. That was not enough, I walked 1.5miles in cold within 30 minutes to reach dinner place by 8.30 because I had promised that.

I felt guilty on both the occasion. Reason: I had promised. I realized that things have to change drastically for me to not keep my commitment. I think it is difficult if I over-commit but I have to let go when it is stretching me thin. I need to learn that.

However, the realization made me very upset because it was opposite to what I was told i.e. I am not wholly committed and I might not stand-by in time of need. Yes, I am highly critical of people near me because what they do affect me and I can help them to be better. But I am with them whenever they need me.

Misunderstood is common to me by now. I am not much bothered about it now. I know I am nice to people, I care for everyone- selflessly and for people near to me I am ready to sacrifice myself. It does not hurt when the sacrifice is not realized but when they are not even considered.

What do I do? Do not commit to0 much in work or in relationship - not at the cost of yourself because all I have in the end is myself. I am glad to learn that I am staunchly loyal to people, I am their biggest supporter and their biggest critic.

Discovery

Today I was surprise to discover the tenacity I have. The strength to hear no and yet pursue to the end to get the desired result. I know, luck has favored me but I have never given up because I am not the right fit.

I was told that it is not easy for an immigrant non-scholar student to get into good public school and score straight As - I did it and walked up the stage to receive my graduation scroll.

Barclays sales assistant - no experience - no way. Not only did I score well in the interview, I excelled at my job. I know I did because my team still thinks of me. I earned the biggest credit, support of the people around me.

Tepper school of business - limited 2 yrs of experience - no way. I made it to one the worlds top MBA school. I know student at Tepper does not appreciate it but it is still the best place. I am glad I made it.

Next, my dream company Bain. I didn't know what Bain was till I met Mr. H. His passion for the job and his openness endeared me to this firm and I had decided that I will work for this firm. Then I discovered it is world's best consulting firm and also one of the most choosy. I might not be the right demographic for them but I am not giving up till I hear a no from them. If they would hire 1, I should be the one. I am going to test my luck to max.

All I know is that I have managed to come so far and I am not giving up. At age of 15 I had not dreamed that I would come so far yet I always wanted to give meaning to my life. As I discover my passion I want to keep going - as far as my dreams will take me. I am not taking no for an answer.

Dil is mad

Aaj I heard about one of my friend's fight with her bf. I kinda felt sad for her and thought to myself "well one good thing about being single.. you don't get into fight". But whenever I see her happily chatting with her BF, I kinda find myself lonely.

Dil is mad I realize. You only want the best and not get hurt. Especially I think I am becoming overly sensitive to issue with relationship. My friend agrees. Well, the situation reminds me of movie Dil Kabaddi - not the story because that was crap but the title and a song by Rahat Fateh Ali Khan - "Zindagi ke safar mein, raaste hai judaa judaa; Humsafar hai to manzilien judaa judaa... "

Kher, Dil is mad. So I conclude let it move around like crazy :)

I was about to go to sleep when I was listening to another song by RFAK: Teri Yaad... which is so true to heart - kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai par chupke is dil mein tanhaai palti hai.. bas yaad saath hai.

I fell in love with this song first time I heard it but today it feels true - 100% truth in above statement.

My friend gave me a nice suggestion to have hot chocolate, blanket and a cuddle from friend. I told him I am not in mood of hot chocolate but truth is I don't have anyone of give me jadu ki jhappi. Kehne ko saath apne ek duniya chalti hai... par chupke is dil mein tanhai palti hai... sadly koi yaad bhi nahi....

I am not depressed or sad or anything for that matter just realizing the what it feels to be on a raft in an ocean - without compass, without partner...